Menachem Bluming Muses: Being a Partner at Home in Quarantine and in Torah
At times husbands offers to help out and in his mind he is being
sincere, and yet his wife sees him as unhelpful and does not accept his offer.
Sometimes what the husband says and what his wife hears are miles apart. We
need to appreciate how our words come across. She may be hearing the opposite
of what he meant.
So when you say:
"If you need any help preparing dinner I am happy to help you. Just
let me know, I'm right here in the living room."
You thought that was being nice. But your wife hears:
"I am going to the couch to chill. If you really desperately need
me, then you will have to come and disturb my peace and I will reluctantly come
and cut up a few vegetables like a martyr."
Not a very convincing offer. Even though you didn't say it in those
words, between the lines you implied a willingness to help, but not an
eagerness. You are not presenting yourself as being at her service, but rather
as not opposed to doing your bit if it is absolutely necessary.
Your wife does not feel supported by this offer because it is passive.
You are making her feel as if you are doing her a favour, and she should be
forever indebted to you for your heroic gesture of bothering to get off the
couch to cut up a salad. No wonder she doesn't feel you are sincerely offering
to help her.
Here's a different way of saying it:
"OK, I am here for you. Tell me what I can do to help."
The words are only slightly different. But the meaning is worlds apart.
Here you are making yourself available, putting yourself at her service. There
is no 'if', you are not requiring her to interrupt you, you are there for her,
at her beck and call ready for instructions. When you offer help in this way,
the offer is received graciously because it was presented sincerely. Let's call
it an active offer, rather than a passive one.
We learn the idea of active offering from an event that happened over
3000 years ago, the Jewish people's acceptance of the Torah at Mt Sinai. G-d
wanted to give them His laws, but before they even heard the first commandment,
the Israelites committed themselves to fulfilling His will. They said Naaseh
Venishma - "We will do whatever You want from us. Now let's hear what it
is that You want. Without knowing what You are about to ask of us, the answer
is already yes."
I have no doubt that you truly want to support your wife. So try
expressing that in a way that she will hear it. Actively offer your help so she
feels you are not just there for the salad, you are there for her.
We are soon coming to the holiday of Shavuot, the celebration of the
giving of the Torah. As we face yet another festival without regular communal
services, the message of active offering is more relevant than ever. We say to
G-d "Naaseh venishma. We are ready to do whatever You want. If You want us
to come to shul and pray, we will. If You prefer we stay at home and pray, we
will do that too. If You want us to hear the Ten Commandments being read from
the Torah, we are ready to do it. If You don't want that this time, we will
study the Torah at home. Whatever the mitzvah of the hour is, we will do it,
and do it with joy. We are here to do Your will."
We have the opportunity to do something amazing this Shavuos. We are
accepting the Torah from our living room. For the first time ever, we will
stand at Mt Sinai AND stay on the couch. That's called home shuling.
Mendel (Menachem) Bluming and Rabbi Moss