Menachem Bluming was asked about "Shidduch dating". How is it possible that a very religious Jewish couple can decide within the space of a few weeks and only a few dates to get engaged?! Sounds unrealistic.

Well, here's the alternative offered by our society: 

In the world of secular dating, serious topics can only be brought up after maybe six months or more into a relationship. Issues like marriage, family and future. But by then you are emotionally entangled. If the priorities don't match, but they are in love, they hit a snag.

For example, he may not want to settle down, or have children. She then finds herself with an excruciating question: give up her dreams, or give up her love. And she may choose love, with sometimes heart-wrenching results. On the other hand, he has no prior information about her. For all he knows, she is an axe-murderer on parole. That may also create problems later on.

The traditional Jewish dating system helps remove these problems. Before meeting a prospective partner comprehensive information is done about values and beliefs? What do they want to do with their life? How were they shaped by their family and upbringing?

And most importantly, the end result is either marriage or going separate ways- you only date for keeps. No casual relationships.

If all that sounds good and both parties are interested, the actual dating is to see if you click, if you can communicate, if you grow on each other. The vital questions have already been answered. You know you match in theory, so let's see if you match in real life. That doesn't take too long to tell.

In secular dating the heart leads, and that can cause problems. In Shidduch dating the mind leads the heart. First it has to make sense, then it has to feel correct. Because when we have feelings for someone, our emotions cover our judgment, and can make us overlook problems. That is great in marriage, but a calamity in dating.

The Shidduch system is not fool proof. But when followed right, it can save a lot of time and a lot of heartache. Because love is blind, you need to enter a relationship with eyes wide open.

Menachem Mendel Bluming, Rabbi Moss and Chabad.org

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